leave me on this bed of flames|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Tuesday, November 15th, 2005|
I hate to break it to everyone on this livejournal list, but I am taking almost everyone off this list. I am going to make this journal a bit more personal and something from me to my boyfriend. Im sorry. But, with how little I update my journal anyways, you wont be missing much.
|Thursday, April 28th, 2005|
I've been so stressed out lately because of school and money that I think I may have been a bit of a bitch. My final exam was today and I'm not sure how I did. I'm sure I did fine, but if I didnt psych myself out about it, then I just wouldnt be me. I'm going to be done with my pre reqs after this summer is over, so that will be nice. Then I will just have the stress of working. But at least I get to go to Scotland for a nice vacation after the summer semester. I know Im not going to want to come back. Why can't I just take everyone I love in my suitcase and we can stay over there and live happily ever after. Then again, is there really a happily ever after? Who knows if it even exists or if it's just something they make up for fairy tales. Probably the latter.
I talked to Mr. Zachary Land for a bit last night. It was surprisingly nice. Im very glad that we have both grown up and matured and that we can be friends. In a way, I wish that we had never dated and that we were just friends this entire time. It would have been great. We talked about everything. He may be coming down for Cera's (god I fucking hate her)fashion show in June. He might need a place to stay. We talked about Chris and how in love with him I am, and Zach couldnt be happier for me. It's nice. Just nice.
I need sleep. And lots of it. So i'm off to bed. Who knows for how long.
|Friday, October 1st, 2004|
|when i close my eyes...
I had the weirdest dream this morning. Maybe thats what I get for finally having the ability to fall asleep. I dreamt that I was back home reunited with my old friend Gabrielle from high school. She ended up inviting me this fetish party that she was going to that night. Of course, I was all about it. When we first walked in the party, all we saw was snacks laying out for the guests, but no guests. As we ventured further into the house we find two people tied up in a tiny room with no furniture. they were not only tied, but most of their bodies wrapped in a red cotton-ish material. As we walk further through the house, we find more and more of these people tied up. Actually, everyone that we came across seemed to be that way. Finally, one of the girls mouths wasnt binded, and she just kept screaming rape and that she and everyone else in the house had been raped. We all start to run out of the house and then the man who had been doing this to all the girls came running behind us. And of course, he was after me first. I grabbed a plaque of some sort and held it up to him as he came around the corner, but somehow he thought of grabbing one as well. But, mine had a huge nail coming out the back of it, so I held onto it as I ran. I ended up shoving it into him, but the nail wasnt long enough to do any real damage. He grabbed me and I started begging and pleading for him not to do this. I ended up telling him all sorts of shit to let him set me free, and I took off running. Then I woke up. The dream has just brought back so many memories that I would rather forget. This is probably going to make my day miserable and its sad that a dream can do that. Current Mood: hopeful
|Thursday, July 29th, 2004|
|Wednesday, April 7th, 2004|
What was I even thinking.
To think that someone like you could ever fall for someone like me was foolish on my part.
You could have anyone you want.
Someone much more beautiful. Intelligent. Fun. Worth your time.
I think you are amazing. Beautiful, fun, funny and just an all around pleasure to be around.
If it is me you want, show me. Otherwise I hope we can go on becoming friends like we used to be. I wish you no ill will. All I want is for you to be happy. And if it isnt me that makes you happy than I support you with whatever you decide to do and whatever choices you make. You know I will always be here for you. I am only a call away.
|Sunday, March 21st, 2004|
|im so very sickened
i feel as though i lead a double life. people who think they know me well actually dont know a thing about me. those who know nothing about me, probably know more than those who think they do. i guess its a sort of defense mechanism.
|Thursday, March 18th, 2004|
|so sick of being tired and so tired of being sick
dont you know that its always been you? well for the last while its only been you. you are the only one that i think of or that i want to be with. or that i have been with. blah blah. i feel like an idiot for so many reasons that i am not going to delve into right now and possibly not on here at all. maybe i should save these things for the old fashioned pen and paper.
|Wednesday, March 17th, 2004|
if you dont want me around, just tell me.
dont flip out on me.
i care about you so much i cant even put it into words.
and some of the things you say to me really fucking upset me and almost bring me to tears.
if you are trying to push me away, then you just might succeed. but that is the last thing that i want.
all i have wanted for a long time is just to spend time with you and be close to you and hold you and talk and have a good time.
im sorry that i am a good friend to someone who needs one right now. so if she wants to do something, then i try to make her happy in any way i can. just like i would do for you.
but strangely enough i never get the same in return from anyone. and i dont know why i even do it anymore. i guess the fact that i am sick and dont know how much longer i will be around makes me realize that i want to do some good with my life for however long i am here. im sorry i am trying to be a good person. but i guess you cant see the good in me or anyone else. maybe i deserve it.................
|Monday, March 15th, 2004|
my grandmother has always told me,since i was a little girl, that whiskey cures all ails. i believe more in the fact that sex cures all ails. well i guess it doesnt really cure them, but it sure as hell makes me feel a whole lot better.
|Tuesday, March 9th, 2004|
|contemplating what you mean to me
i was awake at 3 this morning because i was really fucking sick. one thing goes away and something else seems to take its place immediately. i dont get it. anyways i went online, because i couldnt sleep. a so called friend of mine decided to ask me if i could get her drugs for some cureable stds that she has. she told me that she was finished spreading these stds to "some pricks that deserved it". my jaw dropped. i can understand revenge and getting it on certain people, but i dont think she really thought this one through before she put her plan into action. your revenge not only affects these "pricks" but also the sluts they sleep with. and i know for a fact that i have slept with one person that she has slept with. i doubt i have slept with anyone else that she has, because i havent really slept with that many people and even less that she knows. but i just dont know if i can assosiate myself with someone that knowingly does shit like this. Current Mood: angry
|Thursday, March 4th, 2004|
i have this awful feeling im being used. why do you insist on lying constantly. do i have this HUGE sign on my head that reads HURT ME PLEASE, I AM WEAK, MY HEART IS WAITING TO BE STABBED, AND WHILE YOU ARE AT IT, STAB ME IN THE BACK AS WELL. or maybe im overreacting and reading into things far too much. i wish i had all the answers.
|Sunday, February 29th, 2004|
|some incriminating photos
i feel like somethings missing my life. there is some sort of emptiness. i believe it is you that fills that void. its been far too long. i miss you.
|Thursday, February 26th, 2004|
|...i will love you till the day that i die...
so i was driving home from the hospital today and the song "rape me" by nirvana came on the radio. i hadnt heard this song since the "incident" and for some reason it really got to me. i know kurt cobain did not write the song pertaining to actual rape, more like the record company raping him of his rights and his individuality. but it still brought memories flashing back into my head. and i started to cry. i dont fucking cry. so then i got pissed at myself for crying. the whole thing was just bad news. i wish this never would have happened to me. what did i do to deserve this? Current Mood: sad
|Monday, February 23rd, 2004|
I dont know what causes certain thoughts to go through my head sometimes. I was reading through some old journals and realize that I go through this every once in a while. Its not something new and there is nothing in particular that sets it off. It has nothing to do with anyone thats in my life, besides myself. I am not a depressed person and I dont want to come off that way. I have so many great things going for me right now, so I am going to use everything I have to fight these feelings off. I have good grades in school and a promising future. I have some wonderful friends that I dont know what I would do without them. I have a boy that I really enjoy spending time with and have for quite some time. I need to slow down my emotions, but thats for the best. Its not something I am doing to please anyone except for myself. And it doesnt mean that I dont have feelings for this person, I just need to slow it down and clear my head. I still want to hang out whenever possible though. Although I wont be heading back to Orlando for a few weeks. He is an amazing person and Im glad I got to see through the tough exterior and get to know the fabulous human thats inside. I have a house. A really nice one apparently for a good price. The only bad thing in my life really is my health, but I am working on getting these things taken care of as well. I will keep my head held high and get myself through the tough times.
|im sorry but im just thinking of the right words to say
I think I am going to go back to my old self. Detach emotions from everyone and everything in my life. I will be a lot happier that way. I need to just learn how to not care. Ive done it before, so I know I can do it, but I love being open and telling people exactly whats on my mind. But apparently that gets me nowhere but hurt. And makes me a weak person, which is the last thing I want to be.
|Sunday, February 22nd, 2004|
|touch me baby tainted love
ive prided myself in two things for most of my life. being an independent person and not being made to look like a dumb ass. and ive tried so hard to keep these two things part of who i am. liking you didnt make me any less independent, but it did make me weak. and that is a place i swore i would never go to again. it made me blind to some things that were right in front of my face, but i was too stupid to realize it. and i dont think you intentionally tried to make me look like a dumb ass, that was my mistake. i never gave a shit if you slept with someone else, all i asked was for the respect that if you did, then you would either use protection with them or me. i felt like such an idiot listening to stories about you and so and so and having to pretend like it didnt bother me. pretend like we were nothing more than friends. pretend like i wasnt fucking you at the same time so and so was. i should have realized all this when you wouldnt be seen in public with me, besides at a strip club. now that i think back, there are so many times i should have realized this. the one thing that hurts me more than anything in life, is being lied to by so called friends. thats what bothers me about this. not what you did or who you did. we arent in a relationship, so thats not my business. i care about what health i have left though and thought that you would too. im not mad or angry with you at all. i love you to death and wouldnt let something like this come between how close weve become over the past months. but please, i beg of you, try to be honest. above all, i am your friend and i think i deserve honesty.
|Tuesday, February 17th, 2004|
|you intestinal sucking fool
so even though i have to admit my feelings to anyone and everyone, whether they are good or bad, i cant help but still feel weak when i admit the good feelings. or i should say the strong feelings. because im not quite sure if they are good or not. on my part, i think the feelings are wonderful. i have nothing but an amazing time when i am with him and never want to leave his side. this doesnt happen to me very often. but i guess not knowing is the hardest part. maybe thats why they call it a "crush". because it crushes you and tears you apart. but in my eyes it feels more than a crush to me. its more than just thinking he is cute and enjoying hanging out with him. its the feeling in my gut. the butterflies. all that good stuff. i know that he thinks he is going to hurt me, but thats the thing, you never know what is going to happen unless you try it. in anything you do. so you cant go into something thinking you are going to fuck it up because then you will never succeed. there are things that make me think he likes me, but i dont know if they are said in a stupor or if he means it. he has asked me to marry him, he has asked me to not leave, he has told me he would rather hang out with me then his good friends, he has told me he has never felt so comfortable laying with someone and cuddling, he has told me he loved me, he has been insecure thinking i was hanging out with another guy even though he should know i want no one but him, he has said so many things that have made me feel closer and closer to him. weve been hanging out for 3 or 4 months and i feel like i get closer and closer to him every time. it just sucks that i dont move back for another 2 months and a few weeks. because being here i am so busy and dont have too much time to talk. but when we are together, things are perfect. im thinking about this far too much and i realize this. i just wish i could see into the future to see what was meant to be. i want to be loved and i want it to be by him. for a long long time. my insecurities come out sometimes though. i wont get into my insecurities now, because i dont want to get upset before bed. i cant wait to come back up again this weekend. i will get to see my rachael, carinda, todd, bear, bubba, most important him, and a few others with my friend natasha from down here and her friend joel. it is going to be good times.
yesterday when i was at the doctor the lady was going to take x rays. i didnt have to change into a gown because i was wearing scrubs so i had no zipper and i dont wear a bra, so i didnt have to worry about the metal in the snap. then my friend natasha reminds me that i have to tell her about my piercings. when i told her i had my nipples pierced i got the most disgusted/confused look i have ever gotten in my life, from this lady. and now when the dr. sees the xrays im sure i am going to get more shit from him. should be interesting to say the least.
she was also asking me about any impacts i may have had. falls, car accidents, injuries. so i had to tell her everything i could remember. i am so accident prone and fall quite a bit since my balance is completely off whack. ive been in two car accidents and had 3 concussions. as i was telling her everything, i almost asked her if masochism would count as an impact. being thrown up against the wall and well....you get the picture. probably not a good idea to throw that out there.
|Monday, February 16th, 2004|
|just what i needed
a nice hot shower is exactly what i needed. it did me sooo right. too bad i was alone.
i dont let what people say about me get to me, or bother me. unless it comes from someone i really care a lot about. it doesnt hurt me, but it does make me think about things. if someone thinks that he would never actually love me back, is there something i am missing? is there some reasoning that they think this besides the fact that they are probably jealous of me. i dont think im hot shit, but i know jealousy when i see it. i have dealt with it too many times with ex boyfriends. i dont understand jealousy one bit. i have never been that type of person. and i never will be.
the reasons i like you (as per request): you pulled a knife on someone you thought fucked with me, you said that if you ever found out who did those horrible things to me those few months ago that you would slit their throat from ear to ear, you make me smile, i feel comfortable with you, i feel safe in your arms, you can understand where ive been and where i want to go, the way i feel when you kiss me, the feeling i get in the pit of my stomach when i see you, i dont ever want to leave your side when im around you....i think i can go on forever here, but these are just a few of the reasons why i feel the way i do. there arent many people i would do so much for. not very many people who i would just hold while they were detoxing. wipe away there tears and try to take away their tremors. i would have taken your place if it was at all possible, just to take away your pain. just lay for hours with running my fingers through their hair letting them know how much i care. even if it is in those subtle ways. there arent very many people that have ever entered my life that i would rather not leave the house, because i dont want to leave their side.